Monday, January 24, 2011

Ahhh Updates

So, over the last week or so I've done some traveling, a bit of heavy lifting, a touch of organizing, and acquired a second-hand cold.

I flew last Tuesday, and I gotta tell you, although I didn't go through the porno scanner (entirely because the other line seemed to be moving faster until they realized that everyone was diving for the metal detector line rather than the backscatter line, and STOPPED the metal detector line, while the back scatter line moved steadily along.... TSA manipulating circumstances? Naw.) I had the thought that it looked like you ought to step in and say "beam me up scotty."

DIA hasn't instituted "Either get scanned or groped" so they've got two porno scanners and two metal detector lines. They've turned up the sensitivity on the metal detectors since I've been there, an Altoids tin in my pocket set it off.

I had some crochet work in my bag that I was half expecting them to twitch over, working on a scarf for DM, and I had a wonderful line if they decided to confiscate my crochet hook.

"What, you think I'm trying to knit an Afghani?"

Alas, they didn't oblige me by having that much of a stick up their butts, so I didn't get to use it.

Anyway, I'm back home now, and back to work tonight, alas. I may have to carve my sinuses out with a spoon before I head in, though.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm Not Dead

I was just away from the 'net for a bit.

Just thought ya'll might be wondering.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I'm really wondering whether the FDA's big sting operation thingy, on selling cigarettes to minors (I had to read a paper on it at work, basically saying "OMG CARD EVERYBODY!!") has made it down to our area.

Twice tonight I had young-ish looking people come in and want to buy tobacco products without ID.

Both times they attempted to have someone else buy for them, in such a blatant manner that it almost had to be a set up.

Seriously, asking me if those two girls by the soda fountain are "grown ups"? Or sending back in the kid I'd just sold chew to (who I've carded forty seven dozen times and finally got it knocked into my head that he's 19) back in?

No. First off, I can't sell you tobacco if you look under thirty and don't have ID. Secondly, no, I'm not just being a bitch to you. Technically I'm breaking the rules by selling to the kid in front of you, but the company lets it slide in small stores where we know everyone, if we have carded them multiple times anyway. Technically, I'm breaking the law by doing that. But by the time I can key in their birth date from memory, everyone tends to let it slide.

If you come into the store multiple times expecting me to sell you tobacco without an ID, without ever having given me an ID, I'm not going to sell you tobacco, period. Also, if you're going to make a fake, remember a couple of handy hints. First, most states' licenses aren't laminated printer paper, and they usually spell license correctly. Also, "honey" is not a hair color they tend to put on identification.

I'm not kidding on any of this, by the way. I've seen all of those, at one time or another.

Anyway, the dumbassery tonight makes me wonder if I passed the FDA's hamhanded attempt at checking up on idiot clerks.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Handy Hint

When slightly inebriated* it's a good idea not to drive your car. If you must drive your car after having two beers** it's a better idea not to breathe all over the clerk at the convenience store. When she comes down from the buzz your halitosis gave her, she'll call the po-po on your ass, cause she knows the people in this town and for the most part doesn't want them to die horribly because your dumb ass couldn't drive straight.

Then every nice officer in town will show up, because they're bored, have a nice chat with you, and give you some lovely new steel bracelets.

But not before you subject them to your distillery-breath wheezing "What for??" when they ask you to step outside for a moment of conversation.

Oh, and it's a better idea to tell them about the baggie of drugs you dropped behind the trash can right off, they get cranky when they have to get back out in the cold.

Just a thought.

*so drunk you can't see straight.
**and a fifth of whiskey... or maybe a sixth.

ETA: Rumor has it that this particular fine upstanding citizen happened to have broken the law in a spectacular enough manner to cause an unidentified law enforcement officer to come into the store and high five the clerk who made the call. Rumor has it that a large quantity of Meth was found in the vehicle he was driving. Rumor has it the clerk in question thinks that his getting caught with drugs by getting hammered and offending her delicate senses is funny as hell.

It's all rumor, you understand.

****Disclaimer**** Any information in this blog post may be obfuscated, bent, folded, spindled, stapled, and or otherwise manipulated. Or it may not. Or I might be a bright shiny bird flying off into the sunset. You don't know me.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I've got one or two oh god my job posts I could do but neither of them is funny so I'm gonna leave em lay and discuss my next experiment instead.

Fairly recently, DM turned me on to a wonderful drink called a Tom Collins, along with it's slightly less fruity cousin the Gin and Tonic. Until now, I've sort of been of the opinion that gin was nasty bathtub liquor that sat at the back of a cabinet somewhere. You never knew exactly where it came from, and when you poured the last few drops of the good stuff it stared mournfully at you, wondering why it wasn't good enough.

Now, I know better. But I still have a problem. I do enjoy an occasional Collins just to sip on, but I'm faced with the dilemma of deciding whether to have good flat tonic water, or not good fizzy tonic water. Because I won't use a big bottle of the good stuff before it goes flat, and the bitty bottles of the cheap stuff just aren't good.

So, my proposed experiment: See if I can make my own tonic water, using a seltzer bottle.

I know I can get quinine from the granola crunching supplement people. I can make simple syrup for sweetening without gumming up the bottle. The question is whether I have the ability to balance things and make it tasty, and how many ways I can flavor it.

More updates as I actually get the things needed for this experiment and attempt it. I do need a steady supply of decent tonic water.

What? I don't want to get malaria, do you?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Oh God My... Oh Hey Shiny!

So last night I opened a roll of quarters and there was a funny sort of sound when I dumped em in my drawer. When I had a moment to look, I found one that looked a little funky to the rest.

I wound up buying it out of the drawer along with a fifty cent piece (I have a standing bounty on dollar coins, fifty cent pieces, and two dollar bills with the fam) and when I got to looking just now as I transferred my pocket plunder, I realized that it's a 1942 silver quarter.

Value seems to range from a couple bucks to about forty, depending on where I quickly scan online.

One thing about this job, it gives me the opportunity to pick up oddball money here and there. I generally give the Canadian coins a pass but I've gotten an Indian coin and one that I'm not sure where it came from but the writing looks sort of oriental.

Time to be off to see what strange currency crosses my fingers tonight. Maybe I'll stumble on a coin worth a real chunk one of these days.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Purse for Women Who Don't Carry Purses

So, I have a hard time carrying a purse. It just strikes me as a pain. I carry a bag to work but that's because I've started keeping more stuff on me than I can reasonably fit in my pockets.

When I carry a purse I'm likely to leave it sitting somewhere, or have to dig for ten minutes to find something, or, or, or.

But here is a purse that I at least wouldn't be able to forget in a restaurant.

I like that it's leather, because I like leather. The whole "made from recycled leather!" bit seems a little tree-huggery to me, but on the other hand I'm all for re-purposing stuff if it's still good.

The set up appears to be sensible and handy, with enough space to carry your junk but not enough to lose all of your junk in the other junk you throw in there because you have space for it.

Plus, it's a belt, too! Probably not sturdy enough to support a holster, frankly, but unless you forget your pants, you're not going to leave that one in the ladies' room. On a similar train of thought I'm really not sure how the logistics would work out when it came time to drop trou in the potty, but just like carrying a gun I'm sure something functional if not eloquent could be worked out.

I kinda want one. Maybe when my holiday pay from Christmas and New Years' Day comes in I'll splurge and get one in distressed chocolate, if only because the name of the color totally makes me think there ought to be an equal sign between the words... or evokes a mental image of a sniffling Hershey bar, take your pick. That is, if other expenses don't eat the time and a half before then.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Whole New Year

Ups and downs and ins and outs and twists to make Stephen King proud populated the last year. Great friends were seen again, new ones were made, and towards the end I found a man who can make me laugh like a crazy person, smile like a fool, and who can also challenge me in several different ways.

I lost track of a couple friends, and lost a few to the grave, along with a near brother that I will spend the rest of my life missing.

2011 promises to bring a new set of challenges and decisions, its own collection of laughter and tears. Hopefully more of the former than the latter.

With all of the stresses and tears of the last year, I could very easily say "I can't take another year like that one."

But you know what? I can. It's what I do, I take everything life throws at me and I make things work anyway. Sometimes it resembles a simian making amorous overtures to a football, but it works.

And though I'll hope for a year with more joy than sorrow, I don't think it's so wrong of me to be proud of the fact that no matter what 2011 brings, I'll wrestle it to the ground and make it my proper little bitch, because that's what I do.

I'll leave you with an Irish blessing that I've always loved, as my wish for all of you for the new year:

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind always be at your back,
And may the Lord hold you in the palm of his hand.

Whether you're religious or not, that right there has a certain ring to it. Here's to a fresh year, let's make it a great one.