Friday, June 26, 2009

Things Farmgirl Is Not Allowed To Do In Road Construction

I’m a big fan of Skippy’s List, because, well, it’s hilarious.

So, while perusing the site and seeing everyone else’s lists, I began to think of all the things I had encountered that I wasn’t actually allowed to do while working road construction… and I though, hey, there’s a blog post in that. Some actually happened, some were cases of "Hey wouldn't it be funny if..." to which I was told "No you can't do that."

So without further adeu I give you, the Things Farmgirl is Not Allowed To Do In Road Construction:

1. Not allowed to refer to the flagger certification test as “The Retardo Check”
2. Even if it is ridiculously easy, and you get to take it as many times as necessary to pass.
3. Not allowed to tell traffic it’s your first day on the job and you totally can’t understand the radio, but you think they just said something about a chemical spill.
4. I am allowed to bring my puppy to work if no one is available to watch her at home.
5. But I’m not allowed to toss her in the windows of cars I’ve stopped yelling “sic em!”
6. Even if they hurt my feelings.
7. Not allowed to sic the contractor’s truck drivers on traffic.
8. Or their company’s equipment operators, if you’re going to get someone beat up do it yourself.
9. Don’t beat people up.
10. Don’t cuss at traffic, or at least not where they can hear you and file a complaint.
11. Don’t tell new flaggers that the proper radio code for notifying the rest of the flaggers that a vehicle has run your flagging position is yelling “PINK FLAMINGOS” on the radio.
12. Must not confuse other flaggers by putting on a “radio” voice and broadcasting WTMI radio on the company frequency.
13. Especially not when talking about one of the on duty flaggers and her love of midgets.
14. Must not pole dance with my sign in front of the prissy state engineer.
15. Must not let word get out that you asked the water truck driver to soak said engineer’s truck when the windows were left down.
16. Even if said engineer nearly caused you heat stroke by banning the water truck driver from spraying you down on a hundred and ten degree day.
17. Must not put bullet hole decals on other people’s vehicles.
18. Must not offer free sex changes to supervisors from other companies.
19. Pocket knives are not persuasive tools.
20. No trick or treating traffic lines unless it’s actually Halloween.
21. When forced to work on Halloween, it is acceptable to entertain yourself by striking up a competition to see who can get the weirdest things from trick or treating a traffic line. However, it is not acceptable to announce over the radio that you win because you got a condom with a phone number on it.
22. Even if it was from a woman.
23. Can’t announce receiving illegal drugs from traffic over the radio either.
24. Because the company frequency bleeds over into the State Patrol frequency, that’s why.
25. Not allowed to throw rocks at traffic.
26. Not allowed to throw beverages at traffic.
27. Not allowed to Hijack the Beer Truck.
28. There is no “toll” for going through the jobsite.
29. Not allowed to Hijack the Hostess man.
30. Not allowed to announce “Ali Babba and his Forty Thieves” as the last vehicle in a traffic line, even if it is a semi being driven by a guy in a turban.
31. Not allowed to tell traffic annoyed by the delay that the jobsite is merely a cover for a secret government test for spatial relocation technology.
32. Not allowed to tell traffic that the contractor’s dirt trucks get to go because they pay you twenty bucks per time you let them go without waiting.
33. Not allowed to accept twenty dollars to let a car go when you were about to release traffic anyway.
34. Not allowed to accept twenty dollars to let a car go and then make them wait anyway.
35. Not allowed to hold the State Patrol officer for twenty minutes while traffic runs freely from the other end so that you can tell him how many times you nearly got killed this week.
36. Even if it is in an effort to get a greater State Patrol presence on site for everyone’s safety.
37. Not allowed to pretend to be mentally challenged at work.
38. Don’t tease the state engineers about mud wrestling.
39. Don’t tease the state engineers about missed decimal points.
40. Not allowed to drag race in the pilot car.
41. Not allowed to slalom through the center delineation barrels in the pilot car.
42. It’s not nice to crank the AC all the way up in the pilot car, put on a sweater, and sing “baby it’s cold inside” over the radio to the other flaggers when it’s over a hundred degrees outside.
43. Not allowed to say you can do the supervisor’s job better.
44. Even if he DID ask, and yes, even if it’s true.
45. Not allowed to tell traffic that we have automated spike strips that pop up if they go through the site faster than the posted speed limit of forty five miles an hour.
46. Can’t listen to unintelligible babble with lots of static on the radio while standing ten feet from traffic with windows down, then look frightened and scream “Oh god he’s got a gun!”
47. I will not die if I don’t get to stop the ice cream man.
48. Can’t pretend the large friendly local dog that comes to spend the day with me every day is a seeing eye dog.
49. Can’t pretend he’s an attack dog either.
50. Inflatable sheep and naked playing cards with morbidly obese women on them do not belong on the job site.