Alternately: A Moron With Chopsticks.
Ok, so it's not that bad, but I really suck with chopsticks. A while back I got my back up and decided that I was going to eat a meal with chop sticks, one way or another, just to shut DM up. I still refused to use the giant clothespin, though.
Considering I was actually starving at the time I figured it was a good motivator.
DM chuckled at me, until I sat down and actually started trying to eat. And growling at my food. And cursing under my breath.
Then he got up and brought me a fork, which I of course refused to use. It was the principle of the thing, by then.
"We'll practice on popcorn later, eat."
"I am eating. With chopsticks. Shut up and be happy about this."
"You're going to die of starvation before you finish your food."
"Sweetheart....."
"I know, I know, shut up and be happy about this...."
And so it went. I did eventually start to figure things out, but about then my hand started cramping up and I had to pause. I got most of the meal eaten, but about the third time my hand cramped up I gave up and switched to the fork.
Most of my success was of the "it's not *right* but it made it into my mouth" variety. Considering we weren't in public at the time I didn't really care, although I didn't even bother to try eating the rice with the chopsticks.
DM swears the giant clothespin will help me learn to hold my hand correctly. I don't particularly care, I'm still not eating with a laundry-drying device.
I may, however, eventually, in some distant and as yet unrealized future, actually learn to use chopsticks correctly. Or not, cause I really do suck with them.
I still say they're a device used in poor countries to make what little food they have last longer. They certainly work to slow me down.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Puppies!
We have five beautiful schnauzer puppies as of some gawdawful hour last night.
Three little boys, and two little girls.
Two of them are already spoken for and we'll see about the rest. I'll get good pictures up when Belle settles into the mommy thing a little more comfortably. She's doing really well she just gets a little anxious if you fuss with the pups too much just yet.
Three little boys, and two little girls.
Two of them are already spoken for and we'll see about the rest. I'll get good pictures up when Belle settles into the mommy thing a little more comfortably. She's doing really well she just gets a little anxious if you fuss with the pups too much just yet.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Things I Hear At Work
One of the brighter young men around town just came in to buy some condoms. He dug through his wallet and came up fourteen cents shy of not having to break a five, and asked me if I had fourteen cents.
"Nope, sorry"
"Fine. Meanie."
"Listen, I'm all for safe sex but I'm not paying for your condoms."
"So what you're saying is you like safe sex."
"I'm a healthy mature female human with no hormonal or emotional imbalances, I like sex. But.."
And he interrupted:
"And your number is....?"
"I have a boyfriend dude."
"Well is he here?"
"He's close enough for now."
"But if he's not here.... Come on now it'll be fun!"
By this time his expression had taken on such a puppy-watching-the-treat-in-front-of-its-nose expression that I knew he was just fucking with me.
"I'm good, thanks though."
"But I have an abnormally large penis! Look, Magnums!"
And he waved the box of condoms at me with this Groucho Marx-esque eyebrow waggle.
Seriously. I can't make this shit up.
That's the point at which I lost it and started laughing and told him to take his abnormally large penis elsewhere for the night.
"Nope, sorry"
"Fine. Meanie."
"Listen, I'm all for safe sex but I'm not paying for your condoms."
"So what you're saying is you like safe sex."
"I'm a healthy mature female human with no hormonal or emotional imbalances, I like sex. But.."
And he interrupted:
"And your number is....?"
"I have a boyfriend dude."
"Well is he here?"
"He's close enough for now."
"But if he's not here.... Come on now it'll be fun!"
By this time his expression had taken on such a puppy-watching-the-treat-in-front-of-its-nose expression that I knew he was just fucking with me.
"I'm good, thanks though."
"But I have an abnormally large penis! Look, Magnums!"
And he waved the box of condoms at me with this Groucho Marx-esque eyebrow waggle.
Seriously. I can't make this shit up.
That's the point at which I lost it and started laughing and told him to take his abnormally large penis elsewhere for the night.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Something is Fishy
This weekend I added to the Farm Fam roster of pets yet again. This one is less of the fuzzy cuddly variety, however.
Meet Bartholomew Betta, AKA Bart. He's a gorgeous little thing with the personality of a... well.... fish.
Note: pictures were taken with the camera on my new iPhone. It's not easy to get a fabulous pic with it but it is possible.
Meet Bartholomew Betta, AKA Bart. He's a gorgeous little thing with the personality of a... well.... fish.
Note: pictures were taken with the camera on my new iPhone. It's not easy to get a fabulous pic with it but it is possible.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Blood On The Walls
The last two weeks have left me in a mood to contemplate murder and mayhem, not the least towards my coworkers. Thankfully, I only have one shift left, after which I will likely take off like a striped-assed-ape to go see DM, because I am in serious need of some down time, and he's very good at making me relax.
Also, in coming attractions: Puppies!
That's right. Before too long we'll have Fuzzy Pup and Belle puppies, two of which definitely already have homes, and probably one more. The gal on the third just had border collie pups and offered to trade me straight across but I figured the fam would probably hurt me for that one. She's currently arguing with herself but is fairly sure she's gonna end up buying a puppy.
I'm hesitant to contract any more, not knowing how many little squirmers are in Miss Tubby's belly, but things seem promising for not having to work too hard to swap puppehs for money. Which is a good thing, really, since none of us have a lot of spare time to spend advertising them.
I'll post pictures when the fuzzy little bundles of joy make their appearance.
Also, in coming attractions: Puppies!
That's right. Before too long we'll have Fuzzy Pup and Belle puppies, two of which definitely already have homes, and probably one more. The gal on the third just had border collie pups and offered to trade me straight across but I figured the fam would probably hurt me for that one. She's currently arguing with herself but is fairly sure she's gonna end up buying a puppy.
I'm hesitant to contract any more, not knowing how many little squirmers are in Miss Tubby's belly, but things seem promising for not having to work too hard to swap puppehs for money. Which is a good thing, really, since none of us have a lot of spare time to spend advertising them.
I'll post pictures when the fuzzy little bundles of joy make their appearance.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Chip
After a couple of days of no results finding the pup's owners I had just about given up.
Then, last night, a little blond pixie walked into the store, and looked up at me with tear filled eyes, saying "I heard you might have found my puppy. We thought he was dead..."
Her mother followed and explained that they had been on their way to Slightly Bigger Town on Tuesday, with the pup in the back of the pickup in a kennel. When they arrived in SBT, they discovered that the kennel door had come open, and the pup was gone.
The little guy apparently took a header out of a pickup going highway speed, and not only survived but did so with only a little scratch. Then he survived two days in the ditch without getting hit or eaten.
The mother was hesitant, saying she supposed he was fairly banged up and probably not moving well. I could tell she was worried he was seriously injured and might have to be put down, but didn't want to mention it in front of her daughter.
She stared at me slack jawed when I told her he was fine, just a small scrape on his belly that was already mostly healed.
They waited around for ten minutes or so until I got off work, then followed me to the house. I went in and snagged the pup and took him outside, and the little girl came running up the driveway to take him from me.
As soon as he saw her, his whole body started wagging, even being held.
She shoved a wadded up something at me as she hugged him and he kissed her face like she was covered in puppy food, and I took it, thinking she wanted both hands for the pup.
Her mother called and as she turned away I asked, "What's his name?"
"Chip," she said, "But maybe it ought to be Lucky."
When I looked at what she'd handed me, it was a much crumpled and folded twenty dollar bill.
Frankly, seeing her and the pup reunited was all the reward I really needed....
I am kind of sad, I'd sort of gotten attached to the little bugger, but he's back with his people now, and I don't think they're going to leave the kennel door even slightly unlatched anymore, if the little girl even lets him ride in the back.
Good deeds: 1 World Sucking: 0
Then, last night, a little blond pixie walked into the store, and looked up at me with tear filled eyes, saying "I heard you might have found my puppy. We thought he was dead..."
Her mother followed and explained that they had been on their way to Slightly Bigger Town on Tuesday, with the pup in the back of the pickup in a kennel. When they arrived in SBT, they discovered that the kennel door had come open, and the pup was gone.
The little guy apparently took a header out of a pickup going highway speed, and not only survived but did so with only a little scratch. Then he survived two days in the ditch without getting hit or eaten.
The mother was hesitant, saying she supposed he was fairly banged up and probably not moving well. I could tell she was worried he was seriously injured and might have to be put down, but didn't want to mention it in front of her daughter.
She stared at me slack jawed when I told her he was fine, just a small scrape on his belly that was already mostly healed.
They waited around for ten minutes or so until I got off work, then followed me to the house. I went in and snagged the pup and took him outside, and the little girl came running up the driveway to take him from me.
As soon as he saw her, his whole body started wagging, even being held.
She shoved a wadded up something at me as she hugged him and he kissed her face like she was covered in puppy food, and I took it, thinking she wanted both hands for the pup.
Her mother called and as she turned away I asked, "What's his name?"
"Chip," she said, "But maybe it ought to be Lucky."
When I looked at what she'd handed me, it was a much crumpled and folded twenty dollar bill.
Frankly, seeing her and the pup reunited was all the reward I really needed....
I am kind of sad, I'd sort of gotten attached to the little bugger, but he's back with his people now, and I don't think they're going to leave the kennel door even slightly unlatched anymore, if the little girl even lets him ride in the back.
Good deeds: 1 World Sucking: 0
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