Thanks to OK Katrina for slapping me upside the head with a realization.
Katrina mentioned Monkey, which got me thinking.
It's a training issue. I have to train myself not to smoke.
And, in training, you build upon the previous lessons.
You don't take a horse that's never seen cattle and expect them to do a perfect cut right away.
You break it down into steps, work on each small step until it's easy for the horse, and then move on to the next.
I started to do that, by cutting back on my smoking, but I wasn't cut back enough to go to cold turkey when I ran out of cigarettes. I had my horse loping on the proper lead, and then asked it to run 13 second barrels. It just doesn't work that way.
And, in case of training failure, you back up, go back to the basics, and build from there.
So, I'm backing up.
I bought a pack of cigarettes, and I'm going back to the cutting back stage. I bought menthols, because, frankly, they're disgusting to me, and that makes it easier to resist.
The cigarettes are on the top shelf of the pantry, far enough back that they're difficult to reach. The lighter is in the junk drawer. The ashtrays are over the stove.
I have to expend effort to get a cigarette, but I'm not going to expect myself to be perfect right away anymore.
I had been thinking of this as just a matter of making myself do it, and do it now.
Thanks again, OK Katrina, for reminding me of what I should have remembered myself.
So. Re-training, Day One. It's going to be a long road, but patience will get me there faster than force, I think.