Friday, May 14, 2010

It's Gonna Be A Long Day

It's been harder than I honestly expected, dealing with things this week. I knew it was going to be rough, aside from my own feelings on the matter most of my friends are pretty tore up, and I feel for them.

It just surprises me how hard it's hit me. It probably shouldn't, but it does. There was a viewing last night, and I told myself I'd go this morning. This morning I got back from retrieving one of the crew from the train station, and realized that I just can't bring myself to go.

I don't think I could take seeing another friend lying in a casket. I'd rather remember him smiling and laughing with everyone than have that image of him all cold and still. I know if I went I'd see every other friend I've buried, they're running through my mind anyway.

I just... can't do it. I can do the funeral, I can do the gravesides, but I can't go look at him.

Sorry for being all sad and stuff but that's the way it is today. Go tell the people you love how much you care, folks, fate doesn't wait for you to have time, and you never know when you might not get another opportunity. Besides, everyone should hear that they're loved and cared for as often as possible.

10 comments:

DixieLaurel said...

I'm sorry FarmGirl. You were there for him when he was alive--that's what counts.

Scott McCray said...

Losing someone sucks. I'm sorry. (Blog-hug)
-Scott

Christina LMT said...

I'm sorry, FarmGirl. :(

DaddyBear said...

Stay strong, FG. Your friend knows how much you love him. Thoughts and prayers for you and your friends.

Old NFO said...

You're doing the right thing- Remember him alive... Thoughts and prayers for y'all.

phlegmfatale said...

My heart goes out to you and all who loved him. Life is precious.

Gay_Cynic said...

My thoughts, too, are with you and I agree with Old_NFO that you're doing the right thing.

That some folks pass through our lives all too briefly is one of the rougher things we face...and sometimes its hard to remember the joy and wisdom they brought in the sorrow of their final passage.

Jon said...

My dad, and my brother, looked like wax characters in their casket. I didn't feel anything towards the lifeless remains. Somehow, the entire mess had turned into a macabre parody of grieving and closure, which only deepened my sadness.

No need to explain why you can't do the viewing or anything else that requires seeing something that only faintly resembles someone that holds part of your heart. Although it may like a small gesture, you honor him with remembering. It's a good thing.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

When my father died, I didn't view his remains. I wanted my memories to be of him alive. I don't feel the slightest bit of quilt for my decisions and I don't care what opinion others in the extended family thought about my actions. I gave the eulogy, lowered the coffin, and helped fill the grave.

Unless your viewing will give comfort to the family, which it probably won't, don't beat yourself up.

Brigid said...

I'm truly sorry. Losing anyone is hard, losing them when you simply don't expect it is a wash of frigid water in those recesses in your heart you didn't know where there.

I'd give you a big hug if you were here, but all I can do is say, you're a good friend and will always be remembered as such.