Friday, August 31, 2007

Brave Bible Thumpers...

So, I just got the bible thumper visit, I'm not even sure which flavor they were, but I did my best to convince them not to come back.

Don't get me wrong, whatever faith you have, is fantastic, whether you're Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, or some flavor of "pagan" if you have a belief system, I think that's a good thing.

Just don't come knocking on my door trying to convince me that your flavor should be mine too. I have my faith, and I don't try to convince anyone else that it's the "right" one and I don't appreciate it when someone intrudes upon my home simply to rattle on about how their particular set of beliefs is the only right way.

So, step one in the scare-the-bible-thumpers-away plan (I'd heard them across the hall so I knew they were coming already) was to answer the door in my sports bra, jeans around my hips bare feet and lots of skin and my belly button piercing showing. Cracked the door, leaned one arm against the jam and said "yeah?"

Blah blah blah, here to share a Bible thought, yadda yadda, we have this book that tells you what the Bible really says (because the whole world is too stupid to find meaning in a holy text unless it's spelled out to them, and of course their interpretation is better than anyone else's because... well, just ask them!) and we'd like to leave it here for you to read....

"Yeah, sure, I'm almost out of toilet paper anyway..." (this after I've accepted the little book and am fingering the pages thoughtfully, still blocking the doorway so they can't come in.)

"Well, um... I'd like to come back and discuss this with you after you read it... er..... are you usually home on Fridays?" She was stubborn, continuing with her spiel in spite of my attempts to put her off of it.

So, I started shifting my weight and wincing, holding a hand to my latest owwie (which, in case you hadn't guessed, is in what you could call the "nono" spot) which was actually aching and making me uncomfortable.

Mildly shocked looks on their faces so I explained... sort of....

"Oh, sorry, I'm a little sore, a couple of days ago I was... playing..." insert a wicked smile here "with this big boy, thinks he's such a stud... anyway, he gave me quite a pounding and I'm still healing up..... But no, I'm not usually home on Fridays, I'm a college student, you know, things to see, people to do..."

"Erm... well... I guess I'll try when I'm out and hope I catch you?" Her voice had risen in pitch until she was squeaking a little bit, then she kind of trailed off and started to back away from the door, while the man, who had been silent the whole time, stepped in and shook my hand... while staring at my chest and telling me how nice it was to meet me.

"Yeah, fabulous... you know, she's got 'em too, why don't you go stare at hers?"

They retreated.... next time I just won't answer my door.

9 comments:

Murphy said...

HAR!

I've had a few experiences, myself. Don't know too many people that have had two 'opposing' groups visit at the same time, though. That whole process was interesting...

farmgirl said...

I didn't even have to lie... It's all in how you phrase things.....

Fyremandoug said...

OMG thats to funny
My son told the JW's that they should stay in there car cuz Grace the farm dog would not let go once she bit down, ZOOM gone

Christine said...

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. As a Christian who has gone out door-to-door (though I try my very best not to be rude or pushy), it's good to hear the perspective of someone on the other side of the door. It's a good reminder to respect other folk's privacy and their right to believe whatever they choose. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Christian and I thought that was pretty good. Even if you believe anything like the door-to-door witnesses, it's still annoying.

"I didn't even have to lie... It's all in how you phrase things....."

Good'un.hehehe I'd have liked to seen the looks on their faces.

Now, the funniest thing of that sort I'd previously heard was something about two JW's running away from an Amway salesman.

mustanger

Aegis said...

So... Based on your description of what you were wearing, would it be wrong of me to show up at your door pretending to be a door-to-door witness?

You know, just curious.

Chris in SE TX said...

Oh, man, that was AWESOME!!!!

And you were worried in an earlier comment that you didn't have a chest! See, this guy was starring at it anyway! (sometimes I can't belive how the coolest, most confident women have no confidence in THEIR OWN looks)

Anyway, one time (long time ago) I was working on my car in front of the appartment, when some Jehova Witnesses came up..... They started talking..... I usually have an urge to kill when I'm working on my car, so I looked at the wrench (nice weight to it) and back at them a few times.... They just wouldn't take the hint.... I was wondering just how much time with Bubba and Tyrone would I spend if I cracked theirs skulls open (just to see if I could see anything in their brain that was wired backwards, you understand, purely scientific) and THEY WERE STILL TALKING!!!! So, as nicely as I could, I suggested they go up to my parents's appartment and discuss things with them (Yeah, I'm an asshole, I know)

My dad promptly forgot ALL OF HIS ENGLISH..... The Witnesses left after threatening us with coming back with a Polish translator.... (I thought it was reall crappy of them.... how can you threaten poor, innocent people like that, especially after one of them made a valiant effort NOT TO crack open your skull with a pry bar)....

Luckily, they never made good on their threat..... and since my dad saw all the heavy tools I had laying near me, he decided (wisely) that it may not in his best interest to chew my ass out for sending them to him....

Seriously though, why can't some people just be happy beliving what they want and leaving everyone else alone?????

LauraB said...

PERFECT!! Loved that story - what a hilarious rendering - "a big stud"...

I like how you think.

knitalot3 said...

Thanks! Needed a laugh!

Guess what, sometimes they even bother you if you already are their religion.