One of the brighter young men around town just came in to buy some condoms. He dug through his wallet and came up fourteen cents shy of not having to break a five, and asked me if I had fourteen cents.
"Nope, sorry"
"Fine. Meanie."
"Listen, I'm all for safe sex but I'm not paying for your condoms."
"So what you're saying is you like safe sex."
"I'm a healthy mature female human with no hormonal or emotional imbalances, I like sex. But.."
And he interrupted:
"And your number is....?"
"I have a boyfriend dude."
"Well is he here?"
"He's close enough for now."
"But if he's not here.... Come on now it'll be fun!"
By this time his expression had taken on such a puppy-watching-the-treat-in-front-of-its-nose expression that I knew he was just fucking with me.
"I'm good, thanks though."
"But I have an abnormally large penis! Look, Magnums!"
And he waved the box of condoms at me with this Groucho Marx-esque eyebrow waggle.
Seriously. I can't make this shit up.
That's the point at which I lost it and started laughing and told him to take his abnormally large penis elsewhere for the night.
Sadly, this is not the first time she's told me this.
ReplyDeleteBecause he was buying them, doesn't mean they were the correct size.
ReplyDeleteAlso, does not mean that he knew how to use them.
Actually, doesn't mean that he has ANY need for them, other than trying to impress you. (which is a worthwhile task, in itself :) )
Bwahahaha! Love it.
ReplyDeleteYou DO get some real winners don't ya... :-)
ReplyDeleteJust look at his crotch.....then laugh derisively.
ReplyDeleteTurn your back and walk away laughing.
It strikes to the heart of a male.
Ha, funny :)
ReplyDeleteLOL! I can't tell you how many times we had young ladies (or couples) come into the hotel clinic I worked at on the Strip in Vegas, because the condom got lost up in the gal's hoohah. Yep, using the EXTRA-LARGE-SUPER-MAGNUM-MY-DICK'S-BIGGER-THAN YOURS condoms, unnecessarily. So they came off mid-coitus. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteOh, and they also needed prescriptions for Plan B.
ReplyDelete(no longer necessary in Vegas if you're 18, thank goodness.)