In Which FarmGirl Gets A Case Of The Ass

Yes, I know, bad blogger. Here's some fodder for you though. Just wrote a letter to Mr. Salazar of my state's House of Representatives. Of course I redacted my name.

Dear Mr. Salazar

My name is FarmGirl and I am a woman. As a woman, all my life I have been reminded, by cautious and loving parents, the media, and society in general, that there is a possibility that someone may attempt to rape me. 

As an intelligent and conscientious adult I have considered the possibility in light of what I might be able to do to prevent such a thing, as well as what I might be able to do to defend myself from someone who wishes to assault me without a sexual component, or steal my car or other belongings.

Since I am built more along the lines of a waif than a body builder, I had to factor that into my considerations. I am perfectly aware that if a person with the intent to physically injure me manages to get a hold of me, there isn't much that I can do about it through brute strength. So I learned some dirty-fighting tricks. I researched methods of causing maximum injury with minimum force on my part.

And I learned about firearms. I learned to shoot. I got a gun. I got a concealed carry permit. Because, you see, I don't have a police officer in a holster on my hip. There isn't a well-meaning officer of the law following me around every day all day, nor sleeping outside my bedroom door. A man with a badge and a gun does not follow me into the ladies room when I'm in a mall, or walk me to my car in a parking garage.

With my gun, I can, if necessary, personally guarantee my safety and my ability to stop any physical altercation that may endanger my life.

I have been in situations which made me nervous. I have wondered if that man was following me and wanted to hurt me. I have been made extremely uncomfortable by interactions with men, and been physically handled in inappropriate ways that might have been precursors to a rape.

However. I have never “popped a round” from my gun at another human being. It has never been necessary, thankfully. Those situations were handled by removing myself from them, or otherwise avoiding escalation. I do not want to ever have to shoot a person to defend my life, but I have made the considered decision that I can, and will, if need arises. I have also considered at what point in an altercation that level of force would be necessary.

I do not believe that whistles, lying about having a disease, or claiming to be on your period are effective deterrents to rape, let alone effective self-defense. A whistle may alert anyone near by that something is happening, but will they come to help? Or will they assume that it is a child playing with a ten cent toy just to make noise? Perhaps they will recognize the sound of the whistle as someone in distress, and act on that knowledge to lock their door and protect themselves in case the perpetrator decides to come their way next. I would like to believe that someone would come to help, but just like there isn't a police officer on every corner, there isn't a good Samaritan either. I would far rather prefer to prepare for the worst and then hope for the best, which is in fact what I have done.

As far as having a disease or being on your period, a rapist might have second thoughts if he thinks he might get AIDS, but I can't help but think that the advent of criminal science TV shows has probably driven home the DNA point hard enough that the self-protecting rapist would likely be using a condom anyway. Menstruation can certainly be a turn-off for a lot of men, you're right. The problem with this idea is that you assume rape is about sexual attraction. On the contrary, in my admittedly non-expert research, criminal psychologists all seem to say the same thing: Rape is about power, not sex. The mentality of it seems to be less about the sexual gratification than the expression of power over another person. That a rapist can force a person to gratify them sexually, and that force proves the rapist's own power.

So, any strategy aimed at reducing a woman's sexual attractiveness (and please understand here, I include any reference to “provocative dress” or any reference to a behavior other than stripping naked and explicitly inviting a man to have sex with you in this, and I'll have more to say about those in a moment) is far less than ideal, since it is targeting the wrong mindset entirely.

In general, I think advice to women to change the way they dress or behave because it might cause them to be raped is cowardly and utterly offensive. I may not approve of the way someone dresses, or behaves, but blaming the victim is never ok. Here's an example of what I mean:

An elderly woman is walking down the street on her way to the grocery store. Suddenly, someone runs up and steals her bag, shoving her in the process. She falls, and is injured. When the police officers come, they're very kind, and supportive. “I don't know why this happened,” she says, crying. “We'll, ma'am, you were carrying a purse. That does tend to attract the attention of these kinds of people.”

Does that sound right to you? It doesn't to me. Let's carry it a bit further along your line of thinking.

Same elderly woman, same walk to the grocery store, same attack. This time, however, she manages to keep her feet, and is hanging on to her purse. “Stop! Stop!” she cries. “You don't want this purse, I spilled stinkbait in it. And there's a bear trap in there too!”

The stinkbait being analogous to menstruation, and the bear trap to some unspecified venereal disease. Do you think the thief cares?

I don't.

I'm not saying that in the purse-snatcher scenario, shooting the snatcher would be the correct response. I don't believe that the answer to every interpersonal altercation comes printed on a bullet.

The answer that you are groping blindly for is self-defense training and awareness. Not only for women. I believe that every person should have some knowledge of how to defend themselves in an immediate situation. I believe that if they choose to own a firearm, they should be knowledgeable and competent in using it. If you choose to own a tool that can take another person's life, be it a gun, or a car, or a hammer, you should know the ways in which it can kill or injure another person, and how to avoid such unless it is absolutely necessary.

I do not believe that my safety is anyone's responsibility but my own. I appreciate those people in the military, law enforcement, and first responder professions who take it upon themselves to help me and everyone else when we're in danger, but I will not sit in a burning house and wait when I am perfectly capable of getting myself out.

So, Mr. Salazar, in spite of your sad attempt at an apology, yes I am offended at your remarks concerning women, rape, and guns. Your remarks painted a picture of hysterical, uncontrollable females who can't be trusted. I am certain that there are women in the world who fit that description, but I take offense at your insinuation that I and many very strong, sensible, and independent women that I personally know, much less the myriad that I don't know, are not to be trusted to own firearms. I wish I could hope that this letter would educate you or change your mind, but unfortunately, I can't. I expect to receive a form reply at best and I don't particularly expect that you personally will read it at all, but I do have the right, and the desire, to express my opinion.

Sincerely,

FarmGirl

We'll see how and if he responds.

Farmmom gets a GRRRRRRRRRRR

Recently I sent the form letter from Ruger to my congress critters on gun control.  Mainly I have gotten form letters back saying that they received my email and will respond later.  I have gotten a response from Senator Bennet.

Dear Farmmom:

Thank you for contacting me regarding Senator Feinstein's assault weapons ban proposal. I appreciate hearing from you.

The numerous tragedies that our nation has had to face over the past year have been staggering. My own family, like all Americans, has been repeatedly shocked and deeply saddened by the violence we have witnessed, and my heart continues to be with the victims and their families. As Coloradans, we know how this type of tragedy can shake a community to its core and in the aftermath of these abhorrent acts our priority should be on supporting the survivors and families, and healing our communities.

We must have a real discussion in this country about finding ways to stop these senseless shootings. I believe a combination of improved access to mental health services, restrictions on certain weapons intended for the battlefield, and elimination of the gun show loophole are sensible steps that can protect our communities and particularly, our children. In Colorado, we support the right to bear arms and the ability of people to recreate, hunt, and protect their homes, and we want to keep the wrong weapons out the hands of the wrong people. I believe our state can come together to have a civil discussion that addresses these issues and as the President's taskforce releases its recommendations to prevent and reduce gun violence, we will ensure that Colorado's voices are heard.

Senator Dianne Feinstein of California plans to introduce a bill in the 113th Congress that will prohibit the sale, transfer, importation and manufacturing of assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition feeding devices. The ban will include 120 specifically-named firearms and will apply to large-capacity ammunition feeding devices capable of accepting more than 10 rounds. The bill will also require grandfathered weapons to be registered under the National Firearms Act and will include a background check of the owner and any future transferees. Although Senator Feinstein has not introduced the bill, she has indicated that she will do so at the start of the legislative session. 

I look forward to reviewing Senator Feinstein's proposal, along with others brought before Senate. Let us all continue to keep the communities affected by these tragic acts in our thoughts and prayers.

I value the input of fellow Coloradans in considering the wide variety of important issues and legislative initiatives that come before the Senate. I hope you will continue to inform me of your thoughts and concerns.

For more information about my priorities as a U.S. Senator, I invite you to visit my website at http://bennet.senate.gov/. Again, thank you for contacting me.

Sincerely,

Michael F. Bennet
United States Senator

Ummmmmmm this deserved a personal response from me.

Dear Senator Bennet,

          Recently I sent you a form letter on gun control.   This letter is in response to your reply.

    

          I as one of your constituents completely disagree with  your stand on this issue.  So far I am not seeing any “conversation” on this issue.  I am seeing politicians having a knee jerk reaction to tragedies. 

          I am not normally a person to become involved in politics other than casting my vote for the person that I think will represent me best and in this instance I feel I made a mistake by voting for you.  I don’t normally write letters to my representatives nor voice my opinion often.  I guess you could say I’m part of the problem.  On this issue I AM voicing my opinion.  Our elected officials seem to have forgotten that they work for US.  You and Senator Dianne Feinstein  want to punish millions of law abiding citizens for the actions of a very few mentally disturbed individuals. 

        Nothing in Senator Feinstein’s proposed bill will stop another tragedy like Sandy Hook.  It will not stop another mentally deficient individual from committing a determined act of horror.  All her bill will do is curtail my rights as a law abiding citizen. 

       I promise you this.  If you vote for more gun control I WILL become involved in politics.  I WILL work with everything I have to make sure that you and anyone who votes to limit any more of my rights will never hold office again. 

                                                                                      Sincerely,

                                                                                      Farmmom

I sent this to the email that I had from him..... I got this back when I sent my reply

Your message was sent to a non-monitored mailbox and has not been reviewed. If you would like to contact Senator Michael Bennet please visit his website at http://bennet.senate.gov/contact and fill out the webform for a prompt response. Thank you.

Me thinks they are trying to avoid me.   But I am stubborn at times so I filled out their form and we will see what he has to say if anything.

Karma

Today is my little brother's birthday, the one that died. Perhaps it's coincidence, or perhaps it's Karma that made me see a post on Alan's facebook today about how people behave at funerals.

Link here. Go read, then come back.

Got it? Good. Take it to heart.

The only thing I would add, is if you are truly close to the person mourning, it's ok to give a hug. You don't even have to say anything, just an arm around their shoulders, a quick squeeze. Physical communication is as real as verbal, and if you don't know what to say, a hug, or a hand on a shoulder, a brief moment of physical contact can communicate your sympathy and offer of support better than a soliloquy.

At Jeff's viewing... I lost it. I completely lost my shit, and I freely admit that. It was the family viewing, before the public one. It was me, R, and mom in there with him. R had already seen him, mom came as moral support for me. She'd known and cared about him, don't get me wrong, but she didn't have the kind of emotional ties to him that I did. Know what she did? Stopped halfway down the aisle to the coffin, and waited. She stood there and waited for me to be ready to leave, as did R.

R is not a physically expressive person. We've been tight since we were seven, and I can count on my fingers the number of times that she has hugged me. I've hugged her a lot, and she puts up with it from me though it's not her bag, but I'm a toucher with those I care about. That day, R and I were both mourning, and she knew better than anyone that no words would help. We both already knew that if the other needed anything, we'd be there for them. We both already knew that he'd died far too young. We didn't have to give each other our sympathies.

What she did instead was put her arm around my shoulders while I stood there staring at the young man who should have lived to attend my funeral and cried. She squeezed, just a little, just the beginning of a movement reminiscent of lifting me up that way. It communicated caring and support and the offer of any help I needed, though all of that was already understood.

When I was ready, and walked out of that room that held the shell of someone I loved, mom was there. She hugged me, and when she asked "You ok?" it didn't mean "are you done with hurting over this" or "don't make me feel bad that I don't feel as bad as you, so buck up camper" like so many people mean when they ask that question. It meant "are you ok to walk back to the house, or do you need a minute?"

Because, if you didn't know already, grief can do some messed up things to you. I've dealt with it more than I wanted to in my lifetime, and I know I haven't seen everything. But I do know, first hand, there's a real chance that it can physically impair you.

Certain friends at certain funerals, I've stayed close to. I'm not trying to make them feel better or make the hurt go away. Mostly, I've wanted to make sure someone was paying attention, to catch them if need be. In a literal sense. I've also wrangled children to allow the parents a few minutes to grieve without worrying about where the kids are and what they're doing.

Out here in nowheresville, when someone dies, you bring food. Everyone always ends up with way more food than they need, but it's a concrete way of communicating sympathy and caring. It's a way to ease other burdens than the grief.

You bring food, or coffee (people are always hanging around houses where someone has died, and the family is never sleeping enough... It's easy to run out of coffee) or disposable plates, cutlery, and cups. You ease the family's burden in regards to food, or clean up, to give them one less thing that they have to pay attention to. They've already got their grief, and funeral plans, and simply dealing with the number of people who want to help but don't know how. Bring them food, and they don't have to think about cooking. Bring disposable things to use and that takes care of dishes.

Those are things that help reduce the burden. Not the burden of grief, you can't touch that, so accept that you can't. The burden of daily life. You don't have the right to tell them not to be sad, and you don't have the right to take any of the funeral burden from them, unless they specifically ask you to. You can say "If there's anything you need, let me know." That's ok, as long as it is an honest offer made without expectations. Don't say it if you don't mean it, and I mean three am they want someone to come hang out with them and make cookies mean it, just as much as "hey can you pick up my dry cleaning and bring it by" mean it.

I think it's awful that people don't trust the real offers because they know so many of them don't mean it, not all the way. And yes, I have gotten out of bed at three in the morning to drive somewhere so that I can be with a friend and make cookies. That's what they needed. Mostly to not be alone at that hour, but the process of making cookies helped them too, and that's what they asked for.

Don't hover. I spent days at Jeff's parents house when he died, but I was never hovering. I was making myself useful. I brought food when I showed up, or ran errands for them, or herded the kids, or shaved the dog. They asked me to help with some of the funeral stuff, so I did. I helped put together the music, and the photo slideshow. I helped write his obituary. I did exactly as much to help as they asked me to, in regards to the funeral. Then I stopped, and did some daily chore, or got something done so they wouldn't have to worry about it later (like shaving the dog.)

That is the way you behave around a grieving family. If you can't figure out some way to be materially helpful, express your condolences and walk away. It's not rude, it's not awful of you. If you're not part of the close family, or friend enough that you might as well be (Put it this way, if I weren't close enough to this family that Jeff's mom would tell me "Go find your dad" referring to Jeff's dad when she was distracted, I wouldn't have been around nearly as much) then they don't need you. If they do, they'll let you know. Otherwise, feel free to express your sadness for them, and move on.

Trust me, they'll appreciate that far more than you hovering over them and getting in the way.

Too Much Of A Nerd

I am. Really.

I have all the technology I could possibly need. Use of a screaming desktop pc for work (and play, it was set up as a gaming pc originally) a laptop, a tablet, a nook (the first version) and a cell phone that will do most of the stuff those do.

And yet. I want a nookHD.

Because it's nifty. Because it does stuff. In HD.

I also can't afford to spend the money, so I will continue to want in one hand and... well you know... in the other, and I bet I know which one fills up first.

I'll survive without it. Clearly I'm not short on tech. Still. I give a little sigh of desire when I see ads for it online, which sucks cause every time I want to check for a new e book... there it is, smack dab in the middle of BN's home page.

My name is FarmGirl and I'm a shiny tech addict... oy.

Really Now,

The new comment spam: Dropping a (possibly even applicable) comment on someone's blog, with the name of the commenter linking to some oddball shit.

I'm deleting all of them I find. My blog is not your ad space, most especially not for free. This is my space on the internet, go get your own you smarmy bastards.

I don't click through to see if it's a legit comment anymore. I right click and copy the link location, then paste it into an address bar or notepad to see where it points. Some of them at least must be getting paid by the click.

So, all you stealth spammers, go blow a goat in a thunderstorm with a lightning rod stuck up your ass, because I will not be providing you any more click throughs than I can help, you won't be making money on me.

(And now, to sit back and see how many of them comment on this....)

A Friend In Need

Miss Tam is... well, she's hard to describe in a properly colorful way, to be honest. The best descriptor I have for her is that she is Tam, because she is wonderfully unique.

She's also having some medical issues, with a very small income, which I can completely sympathize with.

I adore Tam, and look forward to her visits at Blogorado every year. She's one of the people that I always wish I'd gotten a chance to talk to more, but with Tam, it's a case of her talking to everyone because she is, and always will be, beloved and popular in our little group.

So, a friend of mine (though we rarely talk much between Blogorados, since she's notorious about returning non-gun-chat emails, it's ok Tam, I still like you) is staring down the barrel of not only facial surgery to remove a carcinoma, but the enormous medical bills that go along with it.

While I have absolute confidence that if she wanted to, Tam could snark that cancer right off her nose, bill collectors just seem to get more irritating and persistent when you snark at them, so her powers are useless there.

But you're not. Go hit her tip jar on the right sidebar on her blog. Any little bit that you can spare will help, and ease her mind a bit about the cost so that she can concentrate on getting better, because we all want her to get better, and continue being... well, Tam.

Keeping Up With The Pup

 Butcher has been growing by leaps and bounds, and eating everything in sight to do it. Not kidding, he's eating two to three times the food of the big dogs.

Anyway, he's also learning by leaps and bounds, as are we. Mostly learning where he's stubborn and just how much incentive he needs to do the right thing. He's a really good pup, he has a pair of good examples so he's learning a LOT of the house manners by osmosis. The big dogs do it x way so that's the way it's done kind of thing.

I also love that his reaction to new things and high stress situations is.... to sleep. He seems to go "ok holy shit what the fuck is this?.... it's not going away? ok fuck it I'll nap, maybe it'll be over when I wake up."

I was going through some pictures on my phone and found a couple that really demonstrate how much he's grown since we got him.

Here he is with one of my size six and a half shoes the day we got him:

And here he is with one of the same pair of shoes, today:

He's grown a bit. We still have no idea what he's going to wind up looking like, body wise. Some days he looks like a bulldog, some days he looks more like a schnauzer. His face is old school bulldog, and he's got the digestive system of a bulldog, if the tear gas that escapes from his ass to fog up the room is any indication.

But he's a pretty good pup, a quick learner, and a complete and utter love. I think we'll keep him.